With a broken mind I have found that I see things in a completely different way. Simple ideas are only an endless loop of confusion. Where simple things meet my mind they are broken down into an unrecognizable point of chaos. It is unknown to me how I connect that chaos, into thoughts and ideas that once were simple things.

Belief in something with no knowledge beforehand, that belief can be a rock. Many people would see that rock as a foundation upon which they can build. I see that rock as a grinding stone that will break me, crush me, and turn me to dust. It is a mill stone around my neck, dragging me down into a deeper and darker state of mind. Why is it that when I put myself on the butcher block, holding on to that belief with my heart, that the blades of sin, doubt, fear, and many other ideas cut me deeper?

Within all thoughts there is an underlying fear of something we can’t control. Fear of the unknown is a driving force within each of us. We don’t know what will happen; we can only make assumptions based upon the past. The only problem with that is the fact that you can only live in the present, not the past. While we live we learn from things that happen in the moment, only in the moment we are lost in the maze of confusion.

Life can never show us what will come, but it can show us what others have done with that life. Can we learn from people who live differently from our own standards? Many People say that we can, I say that this is impossible because we never understand what situations helped them to understand what was happening. They might be the working of God, friends, lovers, family, etc. but each act of life will affect us each in a different way. We take with us only what we need to, in order for us to life a better existence. If that means we lose love than will than it will be something we will only understand better.

May 4, 2008

This early morning of life has shown me things that I would pick out of my memory if it were possible. I a lowly boy with no value other than that of the dust. I am not a man but a boy scared and worried that I won’t be able to achieve the things that are given unto me. I fear the blessing of knowledge that has been given and yet I seek to understand it better. A man given to the lord in prayer and hope that pain will last no longer than is required showed me the ways to become a loved soul. I have often thought on the subject of pain and suffering, I never once related that to what others may go through for joy. I see many people suffering because of joy a fleeting moment in time that only serves to bring about more pain than one can handle. I am one such person? I feel as though I am, and yet I wonder, is there joy for the unchanged? What is it that is bringing men to their knees in fear, pain, suffering, and a desire that the result never becomes strength?

With the many trappings of life there is always a thought process that leads individuals to believe one way or another. There is always a first step to that process, for many it happens in the subconscious before waking. With that first step there are no correct answers. It can be a forward step that helps us in our daily efforts to gain existence. If that step is taken backwards there is an endless battle to regain sanity. Every step following, there is a choice which, if not made by us, will be made by someone else. I was unfortunate enough to make my first step a backwards one.

Within all those many choices I choose to take a step back and break myself into nothing. After years of breaking down, there is nothing left to build from the dust. Not a shred of hope can exist in something left to rot. I do this to myself daily and understanding that it is very bad I choose to believe that it is better that way. Was I programmed to think this way? Did I rewrite myself over something that could have been prevented? Or is this the step that was offered to me? I know of nothing that tells me or anyone what the answer is, to many of the pounding questions that capture our thoughts. Other than a higher power, God, there is no one who knows all and can enlighten us with understanding.

To my misfortune I took another step back and couldn’t accept what my heart and brain knows to be true, God loves me and will help. I wonder to myself, why do I believe in God if I am not going to believe such a simple concept? I can’t see the love or help that could be mine, I only see Hell and damnation of which many preachers profess to understand. Is my soul damned because of things I have done or is it because I deny that he can help me through my troubles? Even as I say this I become confused, I believe in God and I know that he is all powerful. My mind and heart tell me that this is true, only my mind also tells me that he can’t help me for I am beyond his touch. I am conflict put into physical form, thought, and heart.

I am not alone in my thoughts as many who read my words will feel a connection to them and their own thoughts. How deep can the mind descend before it is no longer able to surface again? Questions, always there will be questions that plague the minds of man! The never ending spring bubbles over, with the questions of the mind, and heart. Tears are no longer shed and sorrow is a random event that is passing with surprising speed. “If only”, is frequently the first thing on someone’s mind when asking for themselves.

 There is always a time where life stops and you see things in a whole new way. Just a moment ago this happened to me. I ever will remember the day of pain and joy that life brought unto me through a day of worry and stress. Life is too short for one to worry about small and pointless things. Yet we all do this and we never understand that all the pain we go through has a reason.

Whether it’s just a learning experience or a divine thread that has been set into motion since time began. The daily process of life can not only provide for these times but it seems to set in motion the patterns which lead to more of these situations. Why are we, a frail and reckless breed, left to understand the mysteries of a God Eternal? What good does it do to us, we are even told that we cannot comprehend how great the power and presence.

The time of fear and confusion has only begun and we sit here in a stupor wanting to understand something that for us is an impossible task. If we are to do the impossible there must be a way! In such a world where can one find the answers to unasked questions and for those that lack the intellect questions already answered? We have even been so pompous as to ask God to explain Himself unto us, mere mortals with no understanding for things that we couldn’t fathom.

We try and tell others that their understanding of this time and period of life is completely wrong and they need to “rethink” their existence. We learn according to the concepts of men that have been passed down from the winners in history and that has only served to impede growth and happiness. You cannot tell someone that, their life has no value if their way of life differs from that of your own.

Ideas and thoughts are always original! How can a thought that occurs only once for one person, apply to the rest of humanity as a standard thought that has lost originality? Even if my neighbor has thought about why blue is a favored color for boys, is the originality of the thought lost with him? Have not others thought of the same thing? If we are to say anything about the originality of thoughts the only thing we can say is that thoughts have always been original and they must be for everything to move along.